12 STRAIGHT DAYS OF CASINO LIFE

I am now on the last night of a twelve-day working road trip! I use the term “work” lightly since it is standup comedy, and I am technically only working about two hours a night.

It started with five days in Laughlin, Nevada- immediately followed by seven nights in Las Vegas. Performing every night- often two shows a night.

Us comics like to call like to call these trips being “ON THE ROAD”

When I first started stand up that term meant you were a legit “working comic” and that signified Success! Not sure that still holds true now that social media is all that matters to catapult a comic…But that’s a topic for a different article. No bitterness today. Who can be bitter with a job that comes with free pizza and chicken wings?

We get one free daily meal compliments of the in-hotel restaurant- then for me it’s usually straight to the vending machine. My very guilty pleasure! As I know I have definitely already mentioned waaaaay too many times in past articles.

My even bigger guilty “road comic” pleasure on any drive more than 4 hours goes way beyond vending machines and is actually real food made by a human- I think…or I hope-

The gas station taquitos on the hot dog roller.

I can’t resist this dirty little treat- the way they roll around lookin all tanned, toasty, and savorly seductive- like a midday one-hour sexual fling for the taste buds- I only do it a few times a year. I’d never go for the hot dog. Gross- there is nothing about glossy mystery meat that is appealing to me- but on the other hand, anything with a hint of Mexican food in it’s presentation and I am on board. The processed Mexi delights rarely disappoint. Unfortunately the American gas station does not usually offer a side of sour cream or guacamole so I have been known to ( stop reading if you are easily made nauseous) spread/ dab a little of the gas station convenience store complimentary mayo packet atop my taquito. And don’t you dare judge me. Sour Cream- Mayo- it’s the same lard filled fat just with a different presentation and consistency!

The treats at the gas station are just as corrupt as those sinfully alluring neon slot machines! Could they get any more vibrant and visually stimulating?! Twelve straight nights is definitely an extreme test in self control.

Most of these highly addictive guilty pleasures seem to come in the guise of a brightly colorful childhood flashback -Saturday Morning Cartoons while eating huge bowls of sugar-based cereals.

Now as an adult I get mesmerized by the highly colorful Jellybeans and shiny waxed Twizzlers, like I am ingesting the adult edible form of Mickey Mouse Playhouse euphoria. Chasing those bright colorful preservative childhood ecstasies in the form of a Skittle.

And speaking of childhood, for some reason this adolescent classic popped into my convoluted brain as I was writing this blog.

To Be Sung To The Tune Of The Twelve Days Of Christmas!!

On the first day of Casino Life
Road Comedy sent to me
A fried gas station rolling Taaaa-Quuuiiitoooo

On the second day of Casino Life Road Comedy sent to me

TWO roadside trips to the bathroom

And A fried gas station rolling Taaaa-Quuuiiitoooo

On the third day of Casino Life
Road Comedy sent to me
THREE new gained pounds
TWO roadside trips to the bathroom

And A fried gas station rolling Taaaa-Quuuiiitoooo

Okay you guys get it and I’m sure you don’t want to sing this twelve times so I’ll just skip to the end for you!!!

You’re Welcome

On the Twelfth Day of Casino Life- Road Comedy sent to me-

TWELVE bets won at the Sportsbook

ELEVEN bags of vending machine potato chips!

TEN extra hours of sleep cause there is no reason to wake up in Laughlin!!

NINE-ty three hours of watching FOX News

EIGHT extra pairs of underwear needed cause a large sneeze is now sometimes a peeeeee

SEVEN new skin tags cause I am middle aged and why am I growing all this extra deceased looking skin?!!

SIX-ty three miles walked on hotel gym treadmill

FIVE times I called my mom just to ask what she was having for dinner

FOUR-ty-seven hours of NBA Basketball

THREE new gained pounds

TWO roadside trips to the bathroom

AND A FRIED GAS STATION TAAAA-QUUUIIITOOO

I’m a weirdo. Too many hours alone I gather is the culprit. Or MUSE- as the true artists refer to it.

I LOVE COMEDY!!!. This was made for fun- cause we comics tend to have unhealthy habits- But at least mine are going in my mouth and not up my nose! Even though the lifestyle can get somewhat unhealthy and lonely, I am always extremely appreciative - Especially when I get the great opportunity to travel and tell jokes.

Thanks for reading my goofy shit.