I'm Realizing...

There’s a reason the Universe/ God kept motherhood out of my reach.

Not because I would be a bad mother. I think I’d be great. I need an outlet for this love of hugs, and a good reason to go to bed before 10pm.

Patience however, is somehow not in my wheelhouse. I don’t, possibly will never, understand why…

I have so many other sweet qualities, yet still yell the words “dickbag!” on a daily (multiple times daily) basis to no hearing audience beyond the inner dashboard of my somewhat failing 2016 C-Max. Why is a stranger’s reluctance to swiftly change lanes the cause of my mental demise??

I realize just how bad my level of patience is anytime I try and complete a foreign task via the internet. Most recently being- self publishing my book with no outside help besides some Youtube tutorials. Granted part of this undertaking was money related, but I also seem, according to my mother and some past awkward relationships, to have this stubborn, demanding insistence that “I can do it myself.” According to my mom I was a sometimes difficult child for always insisting on doing menial tasks on my own without her assistance.

Sounds like a dream child to me!

Although I guess if you’re in a hurry and your stubborn, ignorant two year old insists on tying her own shoes, you’d be annoyed too.

And as for the awkward relationships, well, I won’t go into detail as to why I had to do it myself :)

But back to patience. I know these unwelcome, frustrated tears aren’t because of another one of L.A.’s countless reckless drivers.

I feel like I spend an amazing amount of time analyzing almost every emotion I have, as you have witnessed if you are a long time supporter of my Substack or at all familiar with my writing. But this one I just can’t figure out. The smallest frustration when I fail to figure out a simple online, internet related task, is alarming, and often very worrisome to me. I’ve always struggled somewhat with extreme emotions, but in older age I worry more about the physical effects of my psychological unsteadiness as well.

Wow. I got lost in thought and just realized I started this out by saying the gods were right to not grant me a child! I stray so easily off topic.

So I guess that is probably the answer right there.

Cut to the image of me at a park suddenly realizing “Oh shit, I have a child. Has anyone seen my kid? I got lost in contemplation. Meatloaf sounds good for dinner. What day is it?”

And as for my tearful frustration with the internet and doing things myself- Self publishing my work has tested my resilience, but I have not given up.

Book coming soon I promise!!! xoxo

Had some printing delays, but, unlike my uterus, the project is still in full birthing mode!